Welcome to Spanky September! This month that used to be known as the Harvest Month and this month we are harvesting new sexual experiences (that was an awful pun, I apologize). As you gals (and the sneaky boys following us) know, I love hashtags and as we are talking about BDSM this month, I felt #SpankySeptember would be a perfect way to introduce the topic!
Why Spanky September?
S&M or sadomasochism stands for feeling pleasure while causing pain (the sadism part) and experiencing pain and/or humiliation (masochism part). It’s generally sexual in nature, but sometimes the pleasure comes from withholding sex/sexual favors. Both parties can initiate play time, as they both derive pleasure from either causing pain or receiving pain. This has to be a consensual act. This is not aggression, because both parties enjoy it and choose to engage in this. We will more specifically be focusing on BDSM, a form of S&M that involves bondage and dominance.
Shortest history of (BD)SM
At first we viewed it as deviant behavior (as we do with anything that falls out of the norm). Men were the sadists and women, “logically” because of their nature, the masochists. We know by now that this is utter nonsense and both men and women can be both. Freud saw it as arrested or disordered psychosexual development. To me, and others who study the field of sexuality, it is actually part of a healthy psychosexual development. BDSM focuses on consent, on having safety build in for both partners. You have to be able to trust one another for this to work.
Why would you join Spanky September?
After all you’ve been reading, you might wonder why on earth I picked this subject. If it’s deviant and about pain and why us? Well, it’s another way of being intimate and it might be something you already engage in or are curious about. I believe we should have information about all things sexual and see what can help us enjoy our sexual lives better. In the case of BDSM, the pain releases are endorphins and other hormones, which helps us intensify our relationships. It can help us build trust and deepen our intimacy.
How-to guide for Spanky September
As always, ask! Ask your partner about their sexual interests. Show them this article and then have a conversation about it. Satisfy your curiosity, without fear of the “deviant” idea of BDSM. As soon as you know you both are interested, start talking about boundaries. I know, it doesn’t sound sexy. But because of the way BDSM is set up, you need to discuss your boundaries and your partner’s first. Talk about safe words (what word can you say when it’s going too far or you are uncomfortable and what does the other have to do? Fully stop?), talk about what you really do not want (what kind of humiliation might not be for you or what kind of dominance is too triggering), talk about past triggers (we all have things that do not work for us), but also talk about what you do want (what are wishes and desires you have for your play).
Who gets to be which role?
An important topic is who will take the dominant role and who will be the submissive. The dominant one shows skill, power and controls the submissive role. The beautiful thing about BDSM is that you don’t have to be who you normally are. Maybe you are normally very go with the flow, but you’ve always wanted to be dominant with someone. Here is your chance. This doesn’t say anything about how your relationship has to be. Maybe out there in real life you are a dominant person, big personality, always the one talking, but what you desire is to be sexually submissive every now and then.
First times
No need to buy out the whole sex store and have all the whips and chains ready for your first time. Please just focus on each other and playing with limits, control and domination. There are probably things you already do that fall in this category, like teasing your partner by not kissing them, or love bites. Next step could be adding sensory deprivation by using blindfolds or tying someone up (still no need to buy all sorts of things, you will have stuff at home you can do this with). Remember that this is already a delicate state. When we are deprived from touching or seeing, it becomes much more based on trust. Again, say something if you feel your limit is reached. From here you can move into the practice of Shibari, an almost artistic form of tying someone up, to complete chambers of BDSM. It’s up to the both of you, your limit is truly yours. The bigger your fantasy, the farther you’ll go!
Contact me with any questions you may have!
PS: for my single ladies, I’d never forget you. Google self-shibari in case you are interested 🙂
